Here We are again...(yes I'm singing this)

So I do feel the need to write again...things have changed. There are now 4 of us!  B is 14 and little J is a year and a half.  I shot for a pregnancy blog...but that went down the tubes fast!  Anywho here we are again.  Perhaps change is the key to writing.  It is time once again for change. 

Change is a very funny and finicky thing I've learned.  It's something that we all go through and it is unavoidable.  We change our hair, we change our diet, we change the couch, and we change the car we drive.  How often do we change our life...I think for the most part those changes are few and far between...so here's the question, if we are sure of the change what do we do when our spouse is not?  When I say sure, I mean gut feeling, peace in my heart sure; no doubts here!! So what happens when the change doesn't come?  Not by choice of mine but by choice of those around me?  I mean this was the path we were supposed to take!!  So what now? Where do I go?  How do I rebuild and reconfigure when it seems that everything we were working for was in grasp and someone decided not to grab it?  I had the brass ring in my hand and it was jerked away and thrown off the carousel!  All I'm left with at this point it seems is a very out of control ride.  I'm really at a loss...and to add to all this is GRIEF!  And Grief is a sneaky little bitch that comes in waves and when you least expect it.  Case and point...middle of the Target aisle that was full of Christmas ornaments, she found me!

Well my first step as of now is a job change...as sad as I am to leave my little safe haven, the time has come to once again take that step.  I guess it is time once again to see what the real world has in store for me.

I don't think there's a Proverbs 31 verse for returning to the work force!

Tired

I am tired, I am done, I give up...Something has got to give and soon...

Honestly speaking...

I will be completely honest...the first post I started this morning would have been written completely out of hurt...then I saw something that has stopped me dead in my tracks.  Immediately changed everything.  From this point on the hurt doesn't matter anymore.  We all get hurt, even by people we love.  I do know that it's not intentional, just as the ones I have hurt I have not done it intentionally.  The world is an ugly place, people do things that are beyond comprehension.  If you don't have your family to run to you have almost nothing. 

So this is my intention, my perception, my reality  I resolve to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, I will let things roll off my back and not keep them in my pocket.  I will strive to reach out.  I will stop making assumptions and I hope they are no longer made of me because all it does is...yes you guessed it...make an ass out of u and me!

Lord help this woman (me) to see things differently.  Help me to be helpful and not a hindrance to any situation.  Lord restore our relationships with the strength they once had and sweep out the eggshells we all feel like we walk on.  Help us to be more than family, help us learn to lean on each other again but lean on you first and foremost.  Father I thank you for your love, guidance, and protection that surrounds all of us.  Amen

Wrong place wrong time

I ended up in the place where you died today. It was a total mistake, your uncle felt so badly. We were pulled into a parking lot to figure out directions, all of a sudden my stomach started to knot and I figured out where we were. It was everything within me not to completely fall apart. What this does is really show how much I haven't dealt with it...any of it. I don't know if I ever will. Just know that I loved you and I wanted you...

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Confused

I am feeling very confused right now...even like I'm wandering.  We have gotten off kilter somewhere and I am struggling to find the event that coincided with it.  So where do we go from here...I sure don't know.  I do know that it seems we are on different wave lengths.  Maybe that is because our realities are different...we have our own eyes so we see things our own way.  I just don't know how to get things back on track...I can tell you when they derailed but I can't tell you how to restart. 

Vacuum

Have you ever met someone that is a vacuum? Someone who sucks the life right out of you? I guess it doesn't have to be a person, it could be a life sucking situation.

One of my biggest faults is not being able to let go of things.  I let them settle in and haunt me.  That is apparently what I have done once again.  I am holding on to the situation and in turn harbouring unforgivness.  Well what I find out today is, that evidently is what this particular life sucker is counting on...one of us holding on to the situation so she can once again suck the life out of us all.  I was told today not to be the cell that she latches onto. By holding on to unforgivness then there is a very good chance I could be that. I refuse to be that.  I refuse to be the cell the cancer latches on to!

I guess it's time to build my God shelf, because this situation and another are two that I will never understand or get past without divine help. So here I am...gonna build myself a shelf and lay it there for the Lord to clean off...then I'm gonna build a bridge and leave it on the other side.  I don't expect it to be easy, you can't build a bridge or a shelf without a little sweat.

There is a song that says you can't run carrying suitcases, so God here are my suitcases...I am ready to take off without them.

The Poison Apple

Snow White took a bite of the poison apple and fell into a deep sleep. Poison come in ALL shapes and forms.  The ammonia I mop the floor with is great, the bleach I clean the sink with is even better...but mix them together and they become deadly.  I can't live without chocolate, it brings me great joy, but if one of my dogs was to get a hold of it, it could have disastrous consequences.  Poison comes in all shapes and forms...even human.

As the "Proverbial Wife" I should love and pray for my enemies.  Ok...umm yeah not there yet.  Where I am at is trying to keep an eye on her under the pretext of looking out for my family.  At times though it is like rubber necking at the scene of a horrible car crash - no pun intended- I can't seem to let it go.  Maybe it is because of the horrible things the she is saying. Lies meant to attack and instigate. If we (or most of us) have let it go why on earth can't she.  If she is as "damaged and hurt" (and I use those terms very loosely) as she says she is then wouldn't she just want to let it go. After I have been hurt all I want to do is put it behind me.

I guess what I don't understand is the mindset of a person who intentionally sets out to damage and tear apart a family all the while claiming it's because she wants one of her own...no what she really wanted to do was replace a key family member.  Throughout her time with us she seeped her poison into every crack she could find.  Any small minute fissure she saw she did her best to pour her poison in and make it split.  She is still trying to create havoc...

I need to let it go...turn my rubber neck around and worry about driving my own car before I get in an accident...easier said then done.  But I will work on it...she is not my concern.