Forgiveness is evading me. I have been hurt and my heart shattered by someone close to me. I cannot find forgiveness for them. I have never hated someone before, it's not a good feeling. I do feel like the hate has subsided though. Forgiveness however, evades me. I can't seem to let this hurt go.
Do forgiveness and "letting it go" go hand in hand? Maybe if they don't then I can deal with them one at a time. I also can't seem to find God in this situation although, my sister says He's here. I thought maybe He would show up last Tuesday...I was wrong. After feeling so connected and next to Him for so long I feel so far away...it's really kind of scary. I even struggle going to church.
The funny thing is my husband has really stepped up. He is the one holding my arms up now. He has been my comforter and caregiver. He has let me sleep and made dinner. He has cleaned the house. My niece and my daughter are my sanity.
The Proverbs wife I am sure is quick to forgive. Well good for her. I will get there one day.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Rock
I always assumed it was my husband and/or brother in law maybe even my dad that was the rock. I am coming to a different conclusion now...maybe it is supposed to me...the wife. You know the saying "behind every good man is an even better woman" what if it is more fact than fiction. I've heard countless times from the pulpit that women are the ones that helped hold the church together. Maybe it's true. Maybe women are the glue - no, let's say beautiful stitching - in the tapestry called marriage and family. After all aren't we generally the ones that are on our knees most of the time...praying for our children...praying for our husband.
So what does this mean to me...It means I should be constant. I should do my best to control my mood and emotions. Does this mean I can't get be upset or angry? No it means I can have these emotions but keep them under control. I don't let them get the best of me. Two very wise women once told me that while I am the one lifting my husbands hands they are behind me lifting mine. So I think that a good Godly girlfriend or two is a good idea. Not five or six but one or two...maybe even a VERY small accountability group. Women whom you will NOT gossip with but women who you can go to...who will come to you and you can be the one's praying for each other. Women whom you are HONEST with. There can be no personality change to every thing's perfect when you're together, these are the women with whom you share your problems, they are the lifter of your hands when you are holding your husbands.
When my husband is weakened I need to come to the conclusion that it isn't my time to crumble it is my time to stand strong. Even when it hurts. There comes a moment when it is my turn to fight. So with the Lord on MY side I will do just that...go boldly into battle because I have already won the war.
Psalm 40:2 NIV
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand"
Lord help me to be a rock to all those around me. My family, children, and my husband. Fill me with your strength so that I am the constant in a time of turmoil. Give my YOUR wisdom to help guide those around me. Thank Lord for being my rock and constant. In Jesus name, Amen
So what does this mean to me...It means I should be constant. I should do my best to control my mood and emotions. Does this mean I can't get be upset or angry? No it means I can have these emotions but keep them under control. I don't let them get the best of me. Two very wise women once told me that while I am the one lifting my husbands hands they are behind me lifting mine. So I think that a good Godly girlfriend or two is a good idea. Not five or six but one or two...maybe even a VERY small accountability group. Women whom you will NOT gossip with but women who you can go to...who will come to you and you can be the one's praying for each other. Women whom you are HONEST with. There can be no personality change to every thing's perfect when you're together, these are the women with whom you share your problems, they are the lifter of your hands when you are holding your husbands.
When my husband is weakened I need to come to the conclusion that it isn't my time to crumble it is my time to stand strong. Even when it hurts. There comes a moment when it is my turn to fight. So with the Lord on MY side I will do just that...go boldly into battle because I have already won the war.
Psalm 40:2 NIV
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand"
Lord help me to be a rock to all those around me. My family, children, and my husband. Fill me with your strength so that I am the constant in a time of turmoil. Give my YOUR wisdom to help guide those around me. Thank Lord for being my rock and constant. In Jesus name, Amen
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
If it's not one thing...
It seems if it's not one thing it's another.
I came to the conclusion last week that I needed to pray a different way. I had been praying for the Lord to help me find a job. When I prayed this way my intent was Lord put me in a full time, 40 hours a week, good pay with benefits position; well it was time to change that prayer. My new prayer became Lord help me adjust and thrive in the role you want me in, if you want me at home help me be productive and successful, if you want me to substitute teach only help me be successful and give me favor. It was Wednesday night that I prayed this prayer. Not an hour after I prayed this prayer I was on a new path. By the next morning I was a co-teacher of a 4 year old pre-school class at a reputable local church. In this position I will be doing regular teaching duties such as lesson plans and following curriculum. How excited I am! I get to have lots of practice for a regular teaching position but make my mistakes with precious 4 year olds where they will love me anyway instead of with 7th and 8th graders will will notice. I also am working 2 days a week about 100 yards from where my daughter goes to school. I still get to volunteer at her school and continue with my PTO work. God is good. I do have to remember to continue to lean on the Lord and let him provide for us. It would be so easy to say "Ok God I'll take it from here" but I don't want to do that because look how far he has brought me!
Ok so light at the end of this tunnel proved not to be a train. Well the light at the end of the personal life tunnel seems to have disappeared. I don't fell like I am on the same page as anyone; my husband nor my support system. At this point I just feel the need to deal with my personal stuff by myself. I guess all I can really do right now is pray, when all I really want to do right now is jump in the car and take off. Leave it all behind me and head to the beach. It's easy to find God in the ocean, I guess I need to find him in this personal situation. Maybe I was so job focused that the other stuff fell out of focus.
Lord help me to be a peace maker and not a drama maker!
I came to the conclusion last week that I needed to pray a different way. I had been praying for the Lord to help me find a job. When I prayed this way my intent was Lord put me in a full time, 40 hours a week, good pay with benefits position; well it was time to change that prayer. My new prayer became Lord help me adjust and thrive in the role you want me in, if you want me at home help me be productive and successful, if you want me to substitute teach only help me be successful and give me favor. It was Wednesday night that I prayed this prayer. Not an hour after I prayed this prayer I was on a new path. By the next morning I was a co-teacher of a 4 year old pre-school class at a reputable local church. In this position I will be doing regular teaching duties such as lesson plans and following curriculum. How excited I am! I get to have lots of practice for a regular teaching position but make my mistakes with precious 4 year olds where they will love me anyway instead of with 7th and 8th graders will will notice. I also am working 2 days a week about 100 yards from where my daughter goes to school. I still get to volunteer at her school and continue with my PTO work. God is good. I do have to remember to continue to lean on the Lord and let him provide for us. It would be so easy to say "Ok God I'll take it from here" but I don't want to do that because look how far he has brought me!
Ok so light at the end of this tunnel proved not to be a train. Well the light at the end of the personal life tunnel seems to have disappeared. I don't fell like I am on the same page as anyone; my husband nor my support system. At this point I just feel the need to deal with my personal stuff by myself. I guess all I can really do right now is pray, when all I really want to do right now is jump in the car and take off. Leave it all behind me and head to the beach. It's easy to find God in the ocean, I guess I need to find him in this personal situation. Maybe I was so job focused that the other stuff fell out of focus.
Lord help me to be a peace maker and not a drama maker!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Dirty Laundry
So today is my first day to truly be home alone. My kiddo started school today so it is just me. I helped welcome kids in school this morning and I will help with afternoon traffic at about 2:30. Otherwise I am home alone...
I guess not really alone...I have my mess. Thanks to my husband though, it is now confined to the living room and my dresser. So here is my problem, I am anything but a housekeeper. I keep terrible house and haven't had my laundry under control in months. To me these are basic skills, why can't I acquire them? I don't care for or serve my husband very well in a messy house. Especially when I am not working. What do I do all day? A little of this, a little of that, some school work, some counseling homework...I will say though I do make sure the kitchen is clean and tonight I will cook dinner for us and my brother and sis in law. I just can't get away from the fact I am a terrible housekeeper. I want to correct this though. I want people to be able to stop by my house at a moment's notice and not be worried about what they will see.
How to do this...how to do this...Maybe we will start very basic - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. I can claim this verse for getting through great trials and tribulations so why not for something as simple as keeping a clean house. I think so...the Lord cares about all of our struggles large and small. If I expect him to help me on the big things why not the simple everyday things. In truth this is one of my biggest struggles - trusting God with the small everyday things. I trust Him to take care of the country and where it is going, I trust Him to put me in the right position, I even trust that I married the person He willed for me. But when it come to everyday things i.e. keeping a clean house I tend to try and handle it myself.
So here we go:
Dear Lord,
Thank you for taking care of us financially during this time. For our house that we live in, our cars that we drive and our other luxuries that we still get to enjoy. Thank you for our health in this time we don't have insurance. Lord I ask that you help me in the area of my housekeeping skills. Please give me the motivation and organization to put my home in well working and cleanly order. My daughter and husband deserve this at the very least.
I thank you and love you.
In Jesus Name, Amen.
I guess not really alone...I have my mess. Thanks to my husband though, it is now confined to the living room and my dresser. So here is my problem, I am anything but a housekeeper. I keep terrible house and haven't had my laundry under control in months. To me these are basic skills, why can't I acquire them? I don't care for or serve my husband very well in a messy house. Especially when I am not working. What do I do all day? A little of this, a little of that, some school work, some counseling homework...I will say though I do make sure the kitchen is clean and tonight I will cook dinner for us and my brother and sis in law. I just can't get away from the fact I am a terrible housekeeper. I want to correct this though. I want people to be able to stop by my house at a moment's notice and not be worried about what they will see.
How to do this...how to do this...Maybe we will start very basic - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. I can claim this verse for getting through great trials and tribulations so why not for something as simple as keeping a clean house. I think so...the Lord cares about all of our struggles large and small. If I expect him to help me on the big things why not the simple everyday things. In truth this is one of my biggest struggles - trusting God with the small everyday things. I trust Him to take care of the country and where it is going, I trust Him to put me in the right position, I even trust that I married the person He willed for me. But when it come to everyday things i.e. keeping a clean house I tend to try and handle it myself.
So here we go:
Dear Lord,
Thank you for taking care of us financially during this time. For our house that we live in, our cars that we drive and our other luxuries that we still get to enjoy. Thank you for our health in this time we don't have insurance. Lord I ask that you help me in the area of my housekeeping skills. Please give me the motivation and organization to put my home in well working and cleanly order. My daughter and husband deserve this at the very least.
I thank you and love you.
In Jesus Name, Amen.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Who do we trust?
"When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly" Proverbs 31:26
I trust the Lord, my husband, and four others with everything, although only the Lord, my husband, and "spiritual sponsor" know EVERYTHING.
I suggest everyone have a "spiritual sponsor" or mentor. One who can admit their mistakes and who will not judge you, only counsel you with yours. I met mine about a year and a half ago. I know the Lord placed her in my path at a very specific point in time. She is the one that has fasted and prayed for me, and offers wisdom and places in the Bible to find it. However she lives 3 hours away and it's next to impossible to grab a cup of coffee.
So that leads me to my two girls that are my lifter of hands right now. These two ladies are lifting my hands when I can't. They are the ones I confide the good, bad and ugly in right now. They listen and then offer counsel. They don't speak negatively of anything I bring to them and are supportive of every decision I make.
Then there's my BFF and she is food for my soul. Anytime spent with her is refreshing and light. I leave feeling better then when I left. She loves me know matter what. and is ALWAYS on MY side whether I am right or wrong.
So here is where the verse applies...How do I talk about my husband with these people? Is it always positive or do I cast him in a negative light to them? I think the words out of my mouth should never be of anger or frustration. I should never make him look bad to another person. If I speak negatively out of anger then I cloud the perspective of whoever I am speaking with against my husband. Is this really going to help me in the long run?
Ephesians 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Yes this is what I will do my best to work on right now.
I trust the Lord, my husband, and four others with everything, although only the Lord, my husband, and "spiritual sponsor" know EVERYTHING.
I suggest everyone have a "spiritual sponsor" or mentor. One who can admit their mistakes and who will not judge you, only counsel you with yours. I met mine about a year and a half ago. I know the Lord placed her in my path at a very specific point in time. She is the one that has fasted and prayed for me, and offers wisdom and places in the Bible to find it. However she lives 3 hours away and it's next to impossible to grab a cup of coffee.
So that leads me to my two girls that are my lifter of hands right now. These two ladies are lifting my hands when I can't. They are the ones I confide the good, bad and ugly in right now. They listen and then offer counsel. They don't speak negatively of anything I bring to them and are supportive of every decision I make.
Then there's my BFF and she is food for my soul. Anytime spent with her is refreshing and light. I leave feeling better then when I left. She loves me know matter what. and is ALWAYS on MY side whether I am right or wrong.
So here is where the verse applies...How do I talk about my husband with these people? Is it always positive or do I cast him in a negative light to them? I think the words out of my mouth should never be of anger or frustration. I should never make him look bad to another person. If I speak negatively out of anger then I cloud the perspective of whoever I am speaking with against my husband. Is this really going to help me in the long run?
Ephesians 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Yes this is what I will do my best to work on right now.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Can a "Proverbs Wife" have a meltdown?
Right now I am anything but the Proverbs Wife. I am so far from her that she seems but a dream. Here is my question, would a "Proverbs Wife" ever have a meltdown? I would say no, but with all the balls she juggles how is it avoidable? Maybe her relationship with the Lord is such that she never has the need, or maybe she just lives in an alternate reality.
I on the other hand am doing everything to keep it together. I feel like my sanity is hanging by a thread and who knows what at any point may snap it. Here in lies the problem, I can't afford for it to snap. I feel like if I actually let myself have a meltdown it would all fall apart. If I did what I really wanted to do, I would hole up and cry for several hours, then jump in my car and leave it all behind, but where would that leave everyone else? It would be satisfying for a short while...a day or two at most. Then I would miss my husband and would then be even more frustrated that he hadn't followed me. It also would be a terrible example to my daughter and sister.
So what is the answer? Prayer, prayer, and then more prayer. I am reading the book of Ephesians right now, maybe answers also lie in there. If I dive in to God fully and completely then He can be the one that I fall apart to, and He will not let me stay broken but will put me back together...I think that sounds like a good idea, I do believe I will try that for now.
Question: Does the Proverbs Wife breakdown?
My Answer: Yes, but she breaks down with the Lord and He puts her back together.
I on the other hand am doing everything to keep it together. I feel like my sanity is hanging by a thread and who knows what at any point may snap it. Here in lies the problem, I can't afford for it to snap. I feel like if I actually let myself have a meltdown it would all fall apart. If I did what I really wanted to do, I would hole up and cry for several hours, then jump in my car and leave it all behind, but where would that leave everyone else? It would be satisfying for a short while...a day or two at most. Then I would miss my husband and would then be even more frustrated that he hadn't followed me. It also would be a terrible example to my daughter and sister.
So what is the answer? Prayer, prayer, and then more prayer. I am reading the book of Ephesians right now, maybe answers also lie in there. If I dive in to God fully and completely then He can be the one that I fall apart to, and He will not let me stay broken but will put me back together...I think that sounds like a good idea, I do believe I will try that for now.
Question: Does the Proverbs Wife breakdown?
My Answer: Yes, but she breaks down with the Lord and He puts her back together.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Change of Plans
"She's quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor." Proverbs 31:20 The Message Bible
So my original thought was to go through Proverbs 31 thought by thought, in chronological order of course, but plans change.
Once when it was raining and I was dropping my daughter off at school there were two ladies walking across the parking lot from the bus stop to an office building, there is a group of people that do this regularly. Anyways these two ladies were struggling under one umbrella and I heard almost audibly..."give her the umbrella.." Me: "God that's my special umbrella that I got on vacation" God: "Give her the umbrella" Me: "I love that umbrella" God: (there was silence) Me: "oh fine then" and I handed her my favorite special umbrella out the window.
Today on our way home I saw 7 Eleven from the left lane and it was of course on the right, so on impulse I asked B (my daughter) if she wanted a Slurpee...answer was of course yes. We pull in and there was a couple sitting out front asking for change. My first thought was to get inside without being noticed. So we are inside and I am struggling on whether to buy them something or let it go. More often then not they're addicts anyway...right? So we get our Slurpees and rush back out to the car, again without being approached. I sit in the parking lot and struggle to leave, so I went back in bought a sandwich, cup of fruit, and two waters. I just kept hearing "when you give unto the least of these" over and over in my head. So food and water bought, I sent B to the car and gave them the sack, without the receipt of course, and prayed that I had planted a seed that would benefit us in the coming months.
That's something a Proverb's wife/women would do right?
So my original thought was to go through Proverbs 31 thought by thought, in chronological order of course, but plans change.
Once when it was raining and I was dropping my daughter off at school there were two ladies walking across the parking lot from the bus stop to an office building, there is a group of people that do this regularly. Anyways these two ladies were struggling under one umbrella and I heard almost audibly..."give her the umbrella.." Me: "God that's my special umbrella that I got on vacation" God: "Give her the umbrella" Me: "I love that umbrella" God: (there was silence) Me: "oh fine then" and I handed her my favorite special umbrella out the window.
Today on our way home I saw 7 Eleven from the left lane and it was of course on the right, so on impulse I asked B (my daughter) if she wanted a Slurpee...answer was of course yes. We pull in and there was a couple sitting out front asking for change. My first thought was to get inside without being noticed. So we are inside and I am struggling on whether to buy them something or let it go. More often then not they're addicts anyway...right? So we get our Slurpees and rush back out to the car, again without being approached. I sit in the parking lot and struggle to leave, so I went back in bought a sandwich, cup of fruit, and two waters. I just kept hearing "when you give unto the least of these" over and over in my head. So food and water bought, I sent B to the car and gave them the sack, without the receipt of course, and prayed that I had planted a seed that would benefit us in the coming months.
That's something a Proverb's wife/women would do right?
Thursday, July 15, 2010
The Journey Begins..or it began sometime back in the Spring
So at some point this past Spring I started to get ready for my "wilderness journey". Priscilla Shirer said in her Bible study "One in a Million" we have to be prepared to follow God through our "wilderness" to reach the full extent of His power. So here I am 3-4 months later...following God through my "wilderness"...I had no idea at the time what was fixing to be asked of me.
I am now in between jobs and trying my best to fight for my marriage.
In the beginning of June I was given the option...no we will call it the opportunity...to start work on my alternative teacher's certification here in Texas. I was given the month of July off with pay, I was also told I wouldn't be coming back in August. At least I was able to resign on my terms. So here I am...I am done with classroom training and working fast and furious on my online training and I take my content test on Monday. My goal is to be able to start applying for jobs by the end of next week. I feel I am following where the Lord is leading, but it is still scary just the same, what if my job doesn't come until October or November and He asks me and my family to depend on him until then...that is something I have never had to do before.
So as if this weren't enough I then discovered that my marriage hit a major roadblock. I being the wonderful nosey person I am, uncovered several things. Yes, this stuff all needed to come to light but still the process of it totally sucks. No, I am not at all ready to leave my marriage...well most of the time anyway...but I am staying to fight. I will not let the enemy make me a statistic. Instead I will figure out what my part is and fix it. I/we have a counseling appointment next week...I have started to read several books, right now it is the book "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn...and I have Proverbs 31 printed on card stock in both the Message and NIV translations - thank you sister in law - So I figure this is a good starting and growing place.
He WILL bring me through this...He promised.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
I am now in between jobs and trying my best to fight for my marriage.
In the beginning of June I was given the option...no we will call it the opportunity...to start work on my alternative teacher's certification here in Texas. I was given the month of July off with pay, I was also told I wouldn't be coming back in August. At least I was able to resign on my terms. So here I am...I am done with classroom training and working fast and furious on my online training and I take my content test on Monday. My goal is to be able to start applying for jobs by the end of next week. I feel I am following where the Lord is leading, but it is still scary just the same, what if my job doesn't come until October or November and He asks me and my family to depend on him until then...that is something I have never had to do before.
So as if this weren't enough I then discovered that my marriage hit a major roadblock. I being the wonderful nosey person I am, uncovered several things. Yes, this stuff all needed to come to light but still the process of it totally sucks. No, I am not at all ready to leave my marriage...well most of the time anyway...but I am staying to fight. I will not let the enemy make me a statistic. Instead I will figure out what my part is and fix it. I/we have a counseling appointment next week...I have started to read several books, right now it is the book "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn...and I have Proverbs 31 printed on card stock in both the Message and NIV translations - thank you sister in law - So I figure this is a good starting and growing place.
He WILL bring me through this...He promised.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
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